It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been daunted by how best to recap my second date with the ass slapper. As if that couldn’t be the most bizarre date ever, it got worse. Much worse.
In the days leading up to our date he lead me to believe that we’d be dining at none other than In ‘n Out. I tried to reason with my inner fancy gal, a date at a fast food restaurant could be retro and “cute”. Yea, fuck that. An hour before we planned to meet he asked if Italian was okay? Sure! Oops they don’t have any reservations, sushi okay? Sure! Because there is only one Italian restaurant in the 7×7 mile radius of San Francisco – it books up fast, y’all!
Sometimes I like when a guy takes charge and orders on my behalf, but when I’m not really given any choice in the matter it pisses me off. My date took care of ordering everything including not one, but two adult beverages. In the midst of edemame and sharing that his mom’s new husband is some sort of arms dealer in NYC, he began wiping his forehead with his napkin. It must have gotten so unbearable because he was forced to excuse himself from the table to get control his sweat glands.
Let the records state that it was not hot in the restaurant. In fact, it was one of the first chilly, fall is just around the corner, evenings in the city.
Upon returning to the table he admitted he was a bit nervous. I felt bad for the guy, he truly had nothing to worry about because there was no way in hell this relationship was going anywhere. We picked up the conversation where it had been left off, but a few minutes later he interrupted me mid-sentence to propose that we get the rest of our food to go and go back to his apartment, so he could shower and “get this situation under control”.
Yes. The mid-date shower. Oh, you haven’t heard about it? It’s all the rage in Europe.
I was so shocked, I didn’t think as the word “okay” came out of my mouth. I was afraid I just signed up for a one way ticket to life of sex trafficking. While he paid the bill, I looked around the restaurant helplessly. Surly someone must have overheard. They didn’t.
Surprise, surprsie his apartment was directly across the street from the restaurant. He sat me on the couch, poured me some gross rose, which I didn’t drink until I saw him take a sip. No date rape for this girl! While he hopped into the shower, I sent off a group text to my friends – needless to say they were horrified and worried. I considered leaving while he showered, but the poor guy just got out of a 10 year relationship. That would surely put him off girls for years. Note to self: be less considerate of strangers who invite you back to their apartment. After donning a sweatshirt (umm weren’t you just sweating up a storm?) and picking up the rest of our meal from the restaurant he behaved like a gentleman.
Maybe he could tell I was uncomfortable because he proposed going to a bar to continue our date. It was there that I discovered that he shared custody of his dog with his ex-girlfriend and the worst blow of all… he went to my college’s rival school. I should have known all along he was no good.